Transformers 2007 Movie Review
Despite the cheesy thematic music and some schlocky dialogue, this was a really likeable movie about robots from outer space. Despite wanting to hate it, I had a great time watching this flick! No other movie has ever even came close to how cool these special effects were. HOWEVER these robots are not the Transformers we all know and love!
Major Differences:
Real Transformers are not spiky, stringy, or slithery. They do not walk around like cracked-out metallic exoskeletons with a million moving parts. I can't think of any Transformers that had spinning blade appendages in the original series. They don't have pinchers or claw hands. Transformers do not have pronounced lips or noses.
Transformers should be big, clunky, obtuse and chunky. They don’t have dozens of fins or look like Johnny 5. They don’t scamper around like scary spiders. They have thick, stubby fingers that hold large black distinguishable guns and cannons.
Don’t get me wrong, I love gothic architecture and really intricate, pointy-looking things – especially in Science Fiction and Fantasy. BUT I’m discerning enough to appreciate that a Transformer’s geometry should be similar to the angles on Star Wars vehicles and Japanese cars of the mid 80s. They shouldn’t look like razor sharp iron filings roused by a magnet.
In the new version, the transformations are abstract and over-articulated, a blur of wiry micro-components. Only once did they make the recognizable transform sound and it was very subtle.
Transformers do not suddenly possess random objects like stereos, cell phones and automobiles. The robots were all created on Cybertron with one alternate form. The only exceptions are if they are rebuilt as something else or are a triple changer.
Other Changes
There were further radical departures from the original characters that I believe were made in order to finance the film. I'm somewhat OK with them because I understand that this movie probably could not have been made without GMC and Hasbro.
In the comics and cartoons, and even the toylines, the human characters were not nearly as important or as memorable as the Autobots and Deceptions. In this movie it was almost as if they were afraid to make the humans have minor roles. The stories of the humans in this movie worked for me – but weren’t really necessary. I came to see a movie about robots, not American Pie crossed with Starship Troopers. Half of the success of Transformers was due to the amazing voice talent - which was lost in this movie with the exception of Optimus Prime and Jazz.
There were plenty of other Autobots and Decepticons that could have substituted as characters in the film instead of humans. Soundwave, Blaster, and all the cassettes, Perceptor, Dinobots, Constructicons, Insecticons, and um.. HOT ROD! They could have appeased GMC by introducing Hot Rod as a Camaro or a Corvette. But instead…
Bumblebee Then
Bumblebee Now
(photos courtesy of revproject.com)
Bumble Bee is shy Camaro instead of an outspoken Volkswagon Beetle. According to IMDB, Michael Bay said this was done to avoid comparisons to Herbie. I think the real reason is that Chevy wanted an ad campaign for the new Camaro. Who the fuck cares if it reminds people of Herbie? Did Herbie transform into a cute robot and help Optimus Prime save the world? I don't think so. Bumble Bee had a great personality in the cartoons and it didn't really come through in this movie. You can't even see the features of the car when he's a robot. He just looks like a yellow and black futuristic goliath. They even made him mute and had his XM radio speak for him. Fuck XM radio and fuck the new Bumble Bee.
A few years ago Michael Smith started an internet phenom when he animated a New Volkswagon Beetle transforming into a full blown modern day Autobot. THAT was the kind of update the Transformers needed. It was state of the art CGI, and it looked amazing. It was only 30 seconds long and I must have watched it 50 times. That clip caused a huge buzz and sparked a new interest in Transformers. It wasn’t long after that did we see the fucking coolest music video ever; a breakdancing Soundwave, Rumble and Frenzy! It sure as hell wasn't some wiry Camaro piece of shit that got me amped about the possibility of a movie about Gen1 Transformers in CGI. He did it again with a Nissan Z.
OK This next one is a huge sore spot with me: Megatron is a fucking gun, not a fucking Jet! DUUHHH! Hasbro is too scared to make a replica gun. Why?!?!!??!?!!?! What is it about replica guns that is considered so bad? Is it because some parents won't like it and may complain? Who fucking gives a fucking shit? When I become a parent and I have kids I'm ONLY going to let them play with replica guns. It beats playing with fucking pointy plastic planes that represent censorship and fear. OK, seriously. Think about it and answer my question. Give me just one reason why playing with a replica Walter P-38 that transforms into a robot is more dangerous than playing with a pointy toy jet that transforms into a robot.
The only realistic scenario I could think of is that if someone could be shot to death by a cop if the situation seemed real. And how could that ever happen? Do police randomly do drive by shootings of people playing with Megatron? Or could it only happen if the child were threatening someone's life with the fake gun? If police reacted to this and shot the toy-holder, how could that possibly be the fault of the toy manufacturer? Why should movie fans be forced to watch Megatron as a plane? It's nonsense. Memo to Hasbro: Get your legal shit in order and make toy guns again, pussies.
Even More Gripes
Other shit about the movie that drove me nuts:
Why is it that in Hollywood movies, downloading government files always causes a whir of documents to flash on the screen stamped with “Classified” and “Top Secret”
Maybe the government doesn’t use Windows or MacOs, but when I transfer files to a thumbdrive, I don’t see them all flashing by.
The cube and the symbols were dumb and had nothing to do with the franchise.
The ending made no sense.
They ruined Frenzy too.